The Secret Lives of Teachers

Jack Behar, Kayla Nickfardjam

Sports Editor, Social Media Manager 

 

Milken teachers and faculty may seem to live normal—even mundane—lives, but we promise you this could not be further from the truth. In honor of Purim, we have taken a deep dive into the darkest secrets and addictions of the Milken community. We must warn you that some of these may be shocking and will change the way you look at your teacher forever. 

At school, Rabbi Shawn Fields-Meyer appears to be a tranquil and spiritual person who educates the community about the wonders of Torah and meditation. Deep down, however, there is repressed anger that she only releases through an obscure art form. Rabbi Shawn is the lead guitarist of the goth heavy metal band “Bloody Bat Mitzvah.” One might try to rationalize this, assuming that she just likes the music. This is not the case. She fully embraces the lifestyle performing concerts with a face full of face paint covered in black and leather. The band’s members share a similar background as Rabbi Shawn as they are all practicing Rabbis in Los Angeles’ Jewish community. To those of you who are interested in seeing the group perform, it is your lucky day as they will be performing at the next Oneg. Please note that Rabbi Shawn requires all who attend to sign a waiver as the mosh pit gets very intense.

 

Robert Coombs may seem like your typical, kind-hearted math teacher, but he has been hiding a shocking aspect of his character. Mr. Coombs is a practicing Satanist. You may be unfamiliar with the rituals of Satanism, but Mr. Coombs was kind enough to explain his faith to us. He detailed his typical day, which includes waking up before sunrise and heading out to the forest, so he can slaughter a goat and sacrifice it to Satan. After he has completed the sacrifice, he drinks the blood of the goat, which he has substituted for his morning coffee. He then heads to school where he will perform rituals a couple times a day and even draw the satanic symbol on the bathroom doors. Once the school day is finished, he heads home and his favorite meal for dinner is heart of kitten with a tad of sriracha. Yummy! As you can see, Mr. Coombs is not the person you thought he was, but he’d be happy to talk about his faith.

 

Over the last couple years, the bronies movement has become a growing trend. This group of men who have an obsession with “My Little Pony” attend conventions dressed up as ponies to express their passion. Mr. Silver is a proud member of this group as he spends his free time traveling the country in a “My Little Pony” costume. He can tell you the name of every single character and claims to have watched all of the episodes at least ten times. Even his birthday party was “My Little Pony” themed! Mr. Silver says he would be happy to sing the theme song to all who would like to hear it.

 

It is no secret that Mr. McAdamis is Milken’s local Greek Mythology buff. What most don’t know, however, is that Mr. McAdamis secretly indulges in over-the-top Greek Mythology cosplay. The English teacher refuses to settle for the basic choice of Zeus or Hercules. Rather, his favorite characters to portray are the Sirens, stunning half-bird temptresses who lure sailors to their doom with their enchanting songs. Fearing the judgement of his students and peers, Mr. McAdamis embodies the sirens from the safety of the “Middle-Aged for Mythology” club where he serenades his fellow members with Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in his chiffon dress. On the weekdays, Mr. McAdamis opts for the more subtle option, cosplaying Tiresus, the blind prophet. He brings his own unique twist to the role by running head-first into walls and predicting the future. Mr. Mcadamis hopes that he will be able to be more transparent about his passion and perhaps perform for his sophomore English students as a part of their current unit.

 

Ms. Guth is one of the most revered and mysterious people on the Milken campus. Amid the rumors (about the tofu-smell in building 2), she recently went public about her once-secret passion. After scouring the aisles of her local Gelsons, Ms. Guth was incensed to find out that even the tofu labeled “extra firm” was “not nearly firm enough!” Taking matters into her own hands, Ms. Guth dedicated herself to mastering the traditional tofu-making method. The History teacher starts the process by cultivating soybeans on the windowsill of 2-203 for it’s “optimal sunlight.” She says her favorite part of the process is “watching the rapidly coagulating tofu.” The final cinderblock-esk delicacy has won the praise from her fellow teachers who have helped transform the hobby into a full-blown entrepreneurial pursuit. 

 

Doctor Scoville is a man of many talents. Not only does he teach Science and coach the cross-country team, but he has recently taken up a new hobbie: Persian belly dancing. Every Thursday after Lishma, Dr. Scoville removes his performance costume, a midriff-exposing ensemble, from the fume tank and heads to a class taught by Milken’s own Dr. Shenassa. Mr. Reyhan occasionally joins in for the cardio. Dr. Scoville commented, “It really helps me be more in tune with my body and connect with my wife’s Persian culture.” Dr. Scoville hopes to impress his in-laws with his sensual shoulder shimmies at the next family gathering!

 

At Milken, Ms. Crawford is seen as the quiet, humble, but also friendly librarian. Interestingly, she could not be any more different out-of-school as she is the leader of a cult with over 200 members. Not only is she the leader, but the members view her as some sort of goddess who they pray to every week at their meetups. The cult is centered around the belief that Ms. Crawford is an extraterrestrial being who was sent to earth to save the human race. Her cult members do anything they can to please her and are essentially her loyal servants. The cult has peculiar rituals, for example, they can be seen praying to a 20-foot wooden replica of Ms. Crawford in the depths of the woods. 

 

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here