NETA spy ring revealed

Jake Davidson

Editor-in-Chief

In a startling twist that reads like a Silva spy novel, The Roar’s Special Investigative Unit (SIU) has learned that a cabal exists at Milken. Amidst our ranks lies a highly trained, highly effective spy unit. In one of the biggest diplomatic gaffes since the uncovering of the Russian spy ring in 2008, the SIU has learned that Mossad has a team of operatives using the covers of Hebrew teachers.

Led by spymaster extraordinaire Elda Dagan, the Hebrew Department is tasked with various jobs that ensure the vitality and security of the state of Israel. The proximity to Los Angeles, a hotbed of diversity, was the original reason for planting the ring at Milken. Responsible for foiling multiple attempts on Israel, this group has grown in skill and ability. To advance into the twenty-first century, the Hebrew department took the idea of Digital Parent Updates (DPUs) and ran with the tool. With the sophistication of Israeli military technology, the spy unit, codenamed NETA, fashioned the DPUs into a form of electronic spying. While extremely advanced and innovative, this plan also was responsible for NETA being exposed.

A NETA security clearance pass obtained by The Roar. Photo by Joel Seligman.

Students and administrators alike were confused by the copious amounts of DPUs that were sent by the NETA unit. The DPUs were coming in at such a rapid rate, that certain administrators tasked the SIU with uncovering the reason behind this method of communication.

Through pure deductive reasoning, the SIU was able to uncover a sensational story. Currently the Hebrew Department has declined to comment, only wishing a hag sameach. An attempt to contact the Israeli Embassy proved futile, as they issued a “no comment” as well. With a media firestorm brewing, it will be interesting to see the international implications of this discovery.

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