SPECIAL PURIM EDITION: 2012

Gabe Freeman

Sports Editor

The parking lot saga that has kept student drivers at Milken on the edge of their seats has taken unprecedented twists and turns in recent weeks. The madness has been the source of much talk around the Milken community, but today the RSAIS (Roar Special Auto Investigative Service) has released the results of a secretive investigation that will shock the student body.

Meny Atias, Director of Security, is indeed a NASCAR recruiter! The reports indicate that the Israeli native was introduced to cars at a young age, and from the moment he heard the rev of an engine, he was mesmerized. He was allegedly approached by the GODADDY.com racing executives who represent Danica Patrick and was asked to secretly recruit speeding high school drivers.

In addition, the system that films students in the lot and can hear what they say is actually new technology NASCAR was testing. It is similar to that of the “wired” capabilities that the NBA uses.

The results from the RSAIS investigation have uncovered actual phone conversations that hear Atias repeatedly saying, “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” Allegedly inspired by Ricky Bobby, Atias lives for nothing more than the thrilling world that is NASCAR.

As the reports circulate around Milken, the student body has been caught completely off guard. The saddest part of the report includes the beloved Henry being involved in the conspiracy. The man who nods at every driver in the morning will be leaving as Atias has taken Henry under his wings to be the flag waver at races.

Indeed, it is a solemn day at Milken, as Atias unfortunately is the subject of yet another crazy turn in the driving saga that has taken the school by storm.