JJ and Jake’s declassified Facebook survival guide

JJ Friedman and Jake Davidson

Staff Writer and Managing Editor

Before Facebook, life for the average Milken high school student was easy; all you had to do was survive the seven hours each day at school unscathed. Now, in the age of social media, students lead a double life, and surviving the social jungle we call school is the easy part. When the clock hits 2:30, Facebook goes live and the real struggle begins. It is a constant battle to be cool, to fit into the virtual world. The funny status, funny comment and “hot” profile picture are all tools to garner likes. What used to be the bathroom wall is now formspring.me. And in this battle for salvation, you need help… from JJ and Jake’s declassified Facebook survival guide.

 

Rule #1

Stop posting statuses simply to get likes.

Example 1: Honestly, no one really wants to know what the truth is, they just want a self esteem booster like “truth is you’re pretty” when in real life they probably are not. Truth is? It is really not cool. Even worse, do not post new “truth is” statuses every week… it only makes it worse.

 

 

 

Example 2: Stop posting lyrics as your status, it really does not make you deeper or hardcore copying someone else’s words.

Example 3: You are not CNN. Do not post the news. We all felt that earthquake… you are not special.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rule #2

Do not put quotes under your profile picture, it does not make you any more attractive.

Example 1:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rule #3 

Do not add people on Facebook that you do not know, because do you really need 1400 friends? We are no mathematicians, but we can bet you probably only know about fifty of them.

Example 1: If you see someone at school and avoid eye contact with them or have never had a conversation with them… THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Example 2: Just because you saw an attractive girl or guy at a party does not make you friends with them, and definitely does not increase your chances in the future. If anything, it is like walking around with a sign saying “I’M CREEPY.”

 

Rule #4

Do not share your profile picture countless times, once is enough. If he or she did not like it the first time he is not going to like it the second, third, fourth or fifth. Would you really stand up in the middle of the amphitheater and scream “look at me, like me!!!”?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rule #5

Do not chat with someone on Facebook you would not talk to in person. It is pathetic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rule #6

Do not add family members over 30. Self explanatory. 

 

 

 

 

Rule #7 

Stop pretending you got hacked, or simply log out of Facebook… it takes a second.

 

 

 

 

Two common exceptions JJ and Jake tackle:

  1. Bathing suit pictures- In short, we deem this acceptable. However, there are two exceptions. First, if you would be embarrassed to be seen out in public in a bathing suit, posting an edited picture probably is not the best idea. Second, we admit we might be a bit biased here, so we will say that guys can post these pictures too, as long as they do not show up in our news feed.
  1. Stalking- No, it probably did not come up in your news  feed but we really do not care. It does not matter if you were looking through someone’s profile because that is the point of Facebook. Just admit to it and it will be all good.

One final word of advice: When you meet someone for the first time, do not call them by their Facebook name… that is just really weird.

Gabe Freeman and Leigh Jacobson contributed to this article. All screenshots courtesy of facebook.com.

35 COMMENTS

  1. This is so funny I don’t usually read the roar but this was on facebook and I clicked on it it it was actually really funny write more articles like this.

  2. u forgot the golden rule jake… do not post your business on facebook… no one really cares, but if u do happen to post it… you shud probably mention the trouble u got in

  3. This disgusts me. I can’t believe an article like this has been approved by the ROAR— its pretty much encouraging underage pornography, and celebrating the idiocy our generation conducts on the internet. PLEASE take this down. As a mchs student, I feel embarassed to say this is what my school newspaper produces.

    • Cleverly written. Very witty Jake and JJ.

      Don’t listen to girl who wrote, “This disgusts me. I can’t believe an article like this has been approved by the ROAR— its pretty much encouraging underage pornography, and celebrating the idiocy our generation conducts on the internet. PLEASE take this down. As a mchs student, I feel embarassed to say this is what my school newspaper produces.”

      As an mchs student, she should know that she was grammatically incorrect which makes her comment irrelevant. Sweetie, its as *an* mchs student, not *a* mchs student.

  4. Dear Anonymous,
    First I would like to say that I hope you are feeling better because you clearly were deeply affected by this lighthearted critique of social media. I apologize that this column gave you such a terrible feeling and maybe in the future you should avoid reading these types of pieces on the Roar because I assure you there will be more.
    Let me address an issue I had with your comment, in no way does this article come anywhere near encouraging child pornography. How you even inferred such a claim from this article leaves me incredulous to be honest. We mention bathing suit pictures on Facebook, a clear phenomenon on the social network. Last time I checked child pornography is people 18 and under being photographed in the nude. I am not sure how you put two ad two together here. Anyways to say the least I am a bit disturbed by this baseless claim and in fact it disappoints me that a Milken student would make such terrible allegations hiding behind an anonymous wall. We in no way would break the law or even come close to doing so.
    Also as a Milken student and therefore a recipient of a fantastic private school education I am really worried about your lack of knowledge in regards to the Constitution and part of its first amendment, the right to free speech. We did not attack any individuals in this article, just pointed out some glaring aspects of Facebook. Nor did we break the law like you alleged, so in my mind I am pretty sure we are in accordance with the laws of the US government, which for me is good enough. And I also wonder how we are celebrating the idiocy of a generation? Facebook is anything but idiotic; it is an incredible utility to use to connect with friends and peers. We were simply giving advice on how we think it could be used well.
    As a member of a pluralistic school that embraces a variety of different religious beliefs, I think maybe you should also apply this notion in judging others. I think most of our school has succeeded in this manner, as this article has been the most popular so far this year.
    So if you are unable to change your narrow-minded views in the future, I have a simple solution: first avoid reading these types of articles and secondly stay away from making false accusations.

  5. ^ And at least have the courage to post under your real name if you’re going to attack with such conviction.

    Well put Jake.

  6. Why didn’t we have articles like these last year…..and to whoever posted about jake….its a profitable business…I don’t see you making any money now do I? So GO AWAY!

  7. I for one, have never been more proud of a ROAR article.
    Good job JJ and Jake!

    …and that was a great answer jake

  8. Frankly, this is an awful article.
    The Roar used to be a publication Milken could be proud of, with thoughtful and eloquently written articles that would provoke conversation and stimulate creativity.
    Articles (if you would even go so far as to call this an article) like this one posted on the Roar complete with typos such as “Honestl,y” and incorrect grammar use galore let alone borderline inappropriate and crude matter, show what a the sleazy publication it has become, referencing bathing suit pictures of high school girls and attempts to look “hot”.
    I feel like the Roar needs to have writers who can actually write- this is a newspaper not a free for all blog. If one were to compare this article to articles in the Roar only three years ago, the difference in quality and subject matter is glaring. This article brings absolutely nothing insightful or thought provoking to the table and is something to be ashamed of. Posting this on an alternate blog would be fine and more than appropriate, harnessing the same audience without bringing MCHS into the equation. At the least, move this article to a Comedy section in the Roar…
    I’m sure you’ll respond with some “intelligent” retort, but the fact is this- This is a school newspaper and simply not the place for articles like this one. They give the Roar a disagreeable reputation, while it should be a respected, esteemed publication.

  9. Dear Milken Student,

    First, thanks for pointing out the Honestl,y typo, that has been fixed. Considering you call them “typos” however I am curious what other typos you found. I read through the article again and did not find any, but I might have missed one or two. Ditto for “incorrect grammar use galore.” I did not see any objectively incorrect grammar in the article. The style of the article is informal and quick-hitting, thus some of the shortened, casual writing, but that is fully intentional by the writers.

    I am not going to challenge you on your opinion of the content of the article because we are all entitled to our opinions. However, I will say that if you don’t like it, no one is forcing you to read it. The Roar is a varied, diverse, and multi-functional online student publication. Naturally, not every article will be of the higher quality, more maturely written variety (however, the majority of our articles are just that, and I would specifically direct you to our voices section for some of those thought-provoking pieces). Regardless, while you may not appreciate articles like this, many, many others do, and that is incredibly clear from the record Facebook likes, views in a day, and comments. There is undoubtedly an audience for articles like this, and while you may not be a part of that audience, The Roar wants to cater to them as much as you.

    Thanks for your comment,
    Michael Kessler
    Co-Editor-in-Chief

  10. Once again, to the anonymous critics:

    If you’re brave enough to criticize the Roar, you should be brave enough to post under your real name. All of our writers and editors publish under their full names because they aren’t ashamed of what they put out there. Are you?

    And to “Milken Student”: You made the point that “The Roar used to be a publication Milken could be proud of, with thoughtful and eloquently written articles that would provoke conversation and stimulate creativity.” I still maintain that we publish (and on a regular basis!) thoughtful and eloquently written articles. I assure you, every staff member that posts an article has undergone a diligent process that includes editing and subsequent approval from the editors. So, in fact, a lot of “thought” has actually gone into our articles. Additionally, I would like to point out the fact that this article has garnered 25+ comments in the short span of two days…including your own comment. If you take a look, you’ll see a rapidly developing conversation taking place between all of these comments— the fact that I am responding to your comment right now testifies to that. So, really, by posting a comment criticizing the Roar, you are participating in the very conversation that you claim doesn’t exist anymore within our publication.

    We at the Roar truly respect your opinion, and we are glad that you’ve decided to become active members of the Milken community by commenting on our articles. I know I speak for all of the staff when I say that we are more than willing to listen to what you have to say. But seriously, if you’re that concerned about it, and you can’t restrain yourself from posting rude comments, come up to us at school and tell us in person. All we want is for you to maintain a respectful tone. And, like Michael has noted, no one is forcing you to read our material.

    One final thing: if you are of the belief that our writing is not up to par, and you feel justified in commenting that the Roar “needs to have writers who can actually write”, may I suggest that you take it upon yourself to contribute what you would consider to be a “thoughtful and eloquent” piece? Because if you’re not willing to do that, then you shouldn’t be willing to put down your peers.

    Thanks for your comment,
    Leigh Jacobson
    Co-Editor-in-Chief

  11. Dear Milken Student,

    I was not aware that you were the judge of what should and shouldn’t be posted in the roar. While you may hold the opinion that the Roar now has a “disagreeable” reputation that is your opinion and clearly not the majority. I have now been on the Roar for three years and I think the articles being published currently are just as good as they were then. I am sorry if you are stuck in the past but we are clearly in a new age of digital publication, and hopefully you can come to terms with that.

  12. Although this article was somewhat entertaining, I have to agree with some of the earlier commentators. I am really confused. Since when did the Milken student talk about Facebook like it was actually an evident part of one’s social life? That’s really weird. These writers are basically treating Facebook as though one’s reputation on that stupid website is evident to his life. Wow, this is really sad.
    P.S. Since when was the Milken roar a free-for-all blog? This is a NEWS paper, not an entertainment magazine, nor a blogging website. Thank you, and have a nice day.

  13. Clearly, that anonymous student is either from the valley, or posts pictures with quotes as captions herself. Real chill!

  14. “student” why are you thinking about porn when you’re on a school newspaper? Your comments insinuate more inappropriate content than anything in this article.
    Stop being gross, stop being rude, and go on a different website if this article bothers you so much.

  15. Sorry, but there’s a grammatical error in the title. It should read:
    JJ’s and Jake’s declassified Facebook survival guide.
    Possession belongs to both parts of the subject of the sentence.
    As it is now, the title indicates an article about 2 things:
    1. JJ
    2. Jake’s declassified Facebook survival guide

    Regardless, cool article.

    • Thanks for the comment “sorry”, but the headline is grammatically correct as it is. Because the same guide belongs to both JJ and Jake, only one apostrophe is needed. Two apostrophes would be needed if there were, for example, two different guides, but because the guide is possessed by both JJ and Jake only one apostrophe is included.

      If you are interested in more detail (this is an issue of compound plural possessive nouns), check out this link: http://www.meredith.edu/grammar/plural.htm and scroll down to the “Compound nouns” section.

      Thanks for the comment!
      -Roar Staff

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