BREAKING NEWS: Fern Dubow announced as new Head of School

SPECIAL PURIM EDITION: 2012

Jake Davidson

Managing Editor

After an extensive global search for the new Head of School over the past few months, Milken has finally landed its woman. The formal announcement will come at a press conference on March 9, but The Roar’s investigative unit was able to uncover the name of the newest addition to the Milken administration, the person to boldly blaze the trail as Milken separates from Stephen S. Wise Temple: Ms. Fern Dubow.

Many know Dubow as the head of the wildly successful Milken Mart, as well as an active member of the Milken Parents Association, one of the most powerful unions on the Milken campus. After conducting a search that spanned 43 states, including both North and South Dakota, and interviewing over 50 candidates, the Milken Board of Trustees realized the visionary they were looking for “was right under their nose,” a trustee said on the condition of anonymity because the formal announcement has yet to be made.

Dubow’s skill set encompasses all of the necessary qualities needed in a new Head of School. With an innovative business mind, a hard-nosed approach to confrontation and a take no prisoners attitude, Dubow is the perfect person for a “twenty-first century” educational institution.

The New York accent lends credence to her tough attitude and instills fear in the generous hearts, sharp minds and kind souls of Milken students. The Board of Trustees was extremely impressed with recent progressions in the Milken Mart. Dubow, against mainstream wishes, successfully implemented a new credit card system, rendering official United States currency obsolete in the Milken community.

This was just the latest in a string of improvements to the Milken Mart’s business operations, which have contributed to a very successful bottom line the last few years. In a fluctuating and harsh economy, the Milken Mart has actually increased its profit and efficiency in the last three years. The store has been transformed from a classic “ma and pa shop” to a superpower that is threatening local competition, most notably Vicki’s Lunchbox. Rumors on Wall Street indicate that the Milken Mart, not Facebook, is the most enticing IPO in the 2012 fiscal year.

The Milken Mart’s ability to make money is crucial for Dubow as she acclimates herself to her new job. The Head of School needs to ensure financial stability for the institution, and that means fundraising. The trustee member is sure Dubow will have no problem: “With her track record, I wouldn’t be surprised if our endowment eclipses Harvard Westlake’s in no time.”

Dubow plans to make many drastic changes to Milken next year. On August 30, 2012, Dubow will move the administrative base of operations to the student store. Another change involves instituting a mandatory dress code where every student will be forced to purchase and wear the Milken sweats sold in the Milken Mart.

“I am so excited for this new dress code, I love wearing Milken apparel and now everyone will be able to wear these clothes,” Gabe Freeman ’13 said.

However, some pundits believe this is just a stepping stone in Dubow’s meteoric rise. With the Republican Party’s presidential candidates floundering, some political analysts believe the GOP needs a white knight to save them. While some have hailed Jeb Bush and Mitch Daniels, many feel a hard nosed, tough-minded woman is the future of the party. Move over Sarah Palin and watch out Barack Obama, Ms. Fern Dubow is coming for you.

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